..please regard the posting below as the musings of an old man, pakmat..I do not profess to speak with any measure of authority on love, marriage or divorce..least of all the guiles and wiles of both sexes..life knocks and tumbles sometimes affected my views..which could very well be off-kilter..but, for all its worth..I try to be honest..
..separation through a divorce after almost 20 years of marriage is not easy..
..they say in polygamy, you do not divorce your first wife no matter what happened..no matter how persistent is her requests..everyday..or every hour..or even if it is at every opportunity that you meet...for it is the way of the first wife to ask for divorce..to a woman a husband who takes on another wife is reason enough for divorce, no matter the circumstances..it is not in the manner of women to share husbands..inasmuch it is not the manner of most men to be monogamous..harems and concubines are kept by men throughout history..and kings, great men and lesser men, mediocre men are known to have greater loves outside the matrimonial homes...proving, perhaps, that the heart of the male of the species are fickle and does not endure..
..perhaps it is so....but it is not so..no...it is just that some men can love several simultaneously..if the heart is the garden, love is like those flowers that bloom in it..and I think, instinctively, women know this..(that is why they marry others husbands)..it is just hard for them to accept it, that's all....
..when I parted with my first wife, it is not because I loved her less..or I loved my second more..intensity has got nothing to do with it..they are the flowers in the garden of my heart..a rose and a lisianthus...and even now the rose has its special place..but certain things..they just happened...I remembered the pain..and the tears..and the uncontrolled anger..sometimes men of 45 cannot control anything, least of all their life..let alone their emotions..and the guilt cuts through like a hundred razors..and it was not through the pronouncement of divorce..it was through taklik..divorce through preconditions set and agreed...that makes it regrettable..
..but we parted, nonetheless..and I remembered the frantic efforts that I made to lessen the effects on my children..and the frantic travelling from one state to another visiting them..with one in Johor, another in Kuantan and another in Jengka Pusat..I think I spent more time on the road than with my wife..
..but in the end, I realised that certain things are just beyond my ken..verily I cannot unchained what has been ordained..it is His tests, after all..I may have faltered..and I may have stumbled..but I have made my peace..forgive me my sins, O Lord...