Tuesday, 23 February 2010

..love and divorce...

..please regard the posting below as the musings of an old man, pakmat..I do not profess to speak with any measure of authority on love, marriage or divorce..least of all the guiles and wiles of both sexes..life knocks and tumbles sometimes affected my views..which could very well be off-kilter..but, for all its worth..I try to be honest..


..separation through a divorce after almost 20 years of marriage is not easy..

..they say in polygamy, you do not divorce your first wife no matter what happened..no matter how persistent is her requests..everyday..or every hour..or even if it is at every opportunity that you meet...for it is the way of the first wife to ask for divorce..to a woman a husband who takes on another wife is reason enough for divorce, no matter the circumstances..it is not in the manner of women to share husbands..inasmuch it is not the manner of most men to be monogamous..harems and concubines are kept by men throughout history..and kings, great men and lesser men, mediocre men are known to have greater loves outside the matrimonial homes...proving, perhaps, that the heart of the male of the species are fickle and does not endure..

..perhaps it is so....but it is not so..no...it is  just that some men can love several simultaneously..if the heart is the garden, love is like those flowers that bloom in it..and I  think, instinctively, women know this..(that is why they marry others husbands)..it is just hard for them to accept it, that's all....

..when I parted with my first wife, it is not because I loved her less..or I loved my second more..intensity  has got nothing to do with it..they are the flowers in the garden of my heart..a rose and a lisianthus...and even now the rose has its special place..but certain things..they just happened...I remembered the pain..and the tears..and the uncontrolled anger..sometimes men of 45 cannot control anything, least of all their life..let alone their emotions..and the guilt cuts through  like a hundred razors..and it was not through the pronouncement of divorce..it was through taklik..divorce through preconditions set and agreed...that makes it regrettable..

..but we parted, nonetheless..and I remembered the frantic efforts that I made to lessen the effects on my children..and the frantic travelling from one state to another visiting them..with one in Johor, another in Kuantan and another in Jengka Pusat..I think I spent more time on the road than with my wife..

..but in the end, I realised that certain things are just beyond my ken..verily I cannot unchained what has been ordained..it is His tests, after all..I may have faltered..and I may have stumbled..but I have made my peace..forgive me my sins, O Lord...

..

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

as a first wife undergoing the turbulence even after 5 years...this post sure depresses me :)

the words my husband said..he has made his peace, but I have to live with it :)

I wish it were as easy for the wives...no offense intended...

Anonymous said...

salam pak mat, adik bongsu saya baru berumur 15 tahun bila papa kawin ngan ma'chik (isteri kedua papa).kami tahu mama sedih sgt2 dan adik mcm kehilangan dan bengong sekejap sb dia amat rapat ngan papa.nasib baik kami yg lain dah boleh berdikari.lepas tu bermula lah episod membahagikan masa kami.raya pertama rumah mama raya kedua rumah papa.sedihnyer hanya tuhan yg tahu.bila nak pergi makan angin kami hanya bawa mama dan selepas itu hari-hari penting yg berikutnya hanya mama shj.papa hanya kami temui pada raya ketiga setiap tahun.sedih sgt2

Cat-in-Sydney said...

Aaahh...Abe Mat... reminiscing about matters of the heart again. It's simpler in a cat's world. The males in my household are monogamous though. purrr...meow!

pakmat said...

Salam anon 23:10..no, it is no easy for you..it is not easy for him, too..but rest assured that he loves you in his own unique, skewered way..make your peace with him..and make your peace with HIM...for He gives you Rahmat, only He knows how..and He will give you Hidayah..

Salam anon 23:53..kekadang apa yang berlaku kepada mama dan papa kita adalah diluar kawalan kita sebagai anak..tetapi tidaklah bermaana kita tidak seharusnya cuba untuk merapatkan kembali perhubungan diantara mereka..tidaklah pula bermaana papa telah tidak lagi menyayangi kita..atau pun kita berhenti menyayangi dia..pakmat percaya dalam apa jua situasi sekali pun, kita boleh pilih jalan yang terbaik..mungkin tidak sama dengan keluarga-keluarga lain..tapi pakmat yakin disebalik semuanya itu, terselit HikmahNya..

yushida03 said...

pakmat,
as u mentioned in the last paragraph, it is fated, ordained.. men and women will never come at peace on polygamy, at least for most of them.

i am of the opinion that Islam permits polygamy to resolve problems, not creating them.

hazeleyed lady said...

ass-salam pakmat
...i never blame my late father...and your posting hopefully represents all
men

Patricia said...

People stumble, and sometimes they fall. We are all human, after all. Even if the fault were ours, we must learn to forgive ourselves and move on. Easier said than done, eh?

Of what use would be the thumping of the chest and wailing? Hindsight is always 20/20 - but in the midst of the mess, it surely wasn't so, right?

As a woman, my heart goes out to the one you left behind. But I know that the only way forward - for the both of you - is to lay this beast to rest, and move on.

May you find peace within your soul about this, Pakmat.

Tommy Yewfigure said...

Pakmat, I don’t think I can go thru’ what u had gone thru’. The thought of the heartache, headache & having to start all over again, will drive me crazy. Thanks for this revelation but I don’t think that’s the motivation of most other men, it all boils down to just plain lust for most of them…hehehe that only my own opinion lah. Like they said; U can see but please don’t touch!!!

Hey, have u heard this one;

Although she divorced him on the grounds that he couldn’t consummate the marriage, he had no hard feelings……hahaha.

Cheers,
Tommy

pakmat said...

hi,my dear cat..and a cat monogamous?..:)but my ayam has yet to find her beau after bobbi..perhaps we have to go back to the rules of the jungle where a man hunts with a stone club..hehhe..

pakmat said...

salam yus03 and hazel..polygamy should be a solution..God in His Greatness allows it for reasons best known by Him..but if it creates more problem, better to let it be..but I am of the opinion that men take up polygamy for the wrong reasons..or without identifying the problems before plunging into it..it should be for charity..like our great prophet did..but then, how many of todays women would accept to being one of his wives??

pakmat said...

..thank you, patricia..and we remained good friends..right to this day..I think she cannot helped but to accept me as a friend..seeing I am always around with the children..and the children around with me..and we have 7 grandchildren now..whatever animosity we had towards each other, I think it has cooled..like that sunset over a heaving blue sea..we have accepted each other as parents to our children..

pakmat said...

..you are so right, tommy, men tend to be led by their pecker..(to quote lady kama)..and yes, it does drive me crazy..as my blog shows..:) but I have made my bed, as they say..and reap what I sow..cheers..

Ozz said...

Dear Pakmat,

Me and my ex-wife remain good friends even after nearly 5 years of separation. We promised to meet at least twice a year and keep on corresponding one another. Yes, we agree that both of us are best being good friends compare to our marriage before.

I strongly agree with your comment " ..whatever animosity we had towards each other, I think it has cooled..like that sunset over a heaving blue sea..we have accepted each other"...

It is a blessing that no children is involved. Just two so-called grown ups learning the bitter sweet lessons of love and life.

For some reasons, some of us need to take a few thoughts back to move forward eh?

You're a man of steel Pakmat. Superman. (don't wear your red underwear outside ok?)

pakmat said...

hi.ozz..:) been there, hey?..but u r right..we may hv our differences..but it does not mean we should not be civil about it..or be friends..yg d cari keredaanNya..

Anonymous said...

Salam Pak Mat,
A very interesting insight. I don't think I have the guts to go thro this situation no matter what my pecker tell me.And the term 'fair/adil' really made me say one is enough.
Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Dear Pakmat,

A requote.

-Orang perempuan bila dia dah sayang kat sorang lelaki, maka susahlah dia nak bagi kasih sayangnya kat lelaki lain lagi. Org perempuan melihat dari aspek yang agak sempit, yakni dari aspek dirinya semata2. Maka, timbullah masalah ‘berkongsi kasih sayang’ bila berpoligami. Org perempuan susah nak terima kasih sayangnya telah di’duakan’… si suami masih sama level kasih sayangnya… yang diberikan kepada isteri2nya.

-Menerima hakikat poligami adalah sukar. Isteri yang bermadu/dimadukan mempunyai tiga pilihan, a)memendam perasaan & gaduh & be miserable for the rest of life, b)bercerai atau c)berubah luar dalam. Pilihan pertama dan kedua hanya menambah penyeksaan dan penderitaan. Pilihan ketiga, berubah dalam, maknanya kembali kepada Tuhan, cari hikmah berlakunya peristiwa tu, tanam dan asuh diri utk bersifat redha dan memaafkan. Berubah luar, interaksi & komunikasi perlu dijernihkan semula…

-Isteri pertama banyak menanggung penderitaan dan banyak berkorban. Isteri/isteri2 yang berikutnya MESTI FAHAM keadaan ni.

pakmat said...

Anon 13:16...I should think that if a man is led by his brains and not by his pecker, he should be safe..and to be fair/adil is easier said than done..but inasmuch as it depends on the man, it also crucial on the role the first wife..if she is supportive (yeah, show me one, I like to meet)than the battle is half won..but as i said elsewhere in this blog..ti is a rare man, indeed...and rarer still is the woman..and if there is no reason for it..do not look for reasons..it will only entrap you..:) cheers..

pakmat said...

salam anon 14:46..biasanya sayang seorang isteri kepada suaminya adalah total..bagi pakmat apabila beliau dimadu, sayang yg total itu akan diuji dgn hebat sekali..satu ujian yg akan membawa kepada keredaan Allah SWT..dgn terjamin syurga firdaus..dan caranya saperti mana Anon katakan:

'Pilihan ketiga, berubah dalam, maknanya kembali kepada Tuhan, cari hikmah berlakunya peristiwa tu, tanam dan asuh diri utk bersifat redha dan memaafkan. Berubah luar, interaksi & komunikasi perlu dijernihkan semula…'

..satu jalan yg sukar..bisikan syaitan lebih menarik..sapertimana saya kata...bukan utk semua orang..baik lelaki atau perempuan..

Anonymous said...

Salam Pak Mat,

Saya rasa zaman dah berubah - mungkin adakala Pak Mat yang tak aware judging from apa yang Pak Mat blog kat sini. Perempuan sekarang boleh berkongsi, cuma lelaki juga perlu mengaku hakikat yang mereka sebenarnya tak mampu. Tak perlu cakap pasal mampu adil. Tapi kemampuan untuk melakukannya pun takde. Pak Mat pun dah mengaku beberapa kali ketidakmampuan itu. Nasihat saya Pak Mat - cukup2lah dok cerita kisah lama. Rehatching old stories imply that you are not ready to leave it behind. Lebih baik fokus pada sekarang and betulkan perkara yang masih salah dan lakukan apa yang belum dilakukan. And you're right, you're in no position to give advice. So, stop dishing it out. Semoga Allah bukakan mata dan hati Pak Mat pada kebenaran.Thank you.

pakmat said...

..salam anon 20:31..(sheesh..I did not know I have quite a number of anonymous readers..:)..or has the subject matter causes everyone to jump under the anon cover?..:))Iam glad Tommy did not...heh hee..
..I am sorry if my blog rubs you the wrong way..but it is a personal blog, after all..where I air my personal views and feelings..my own take on things..and an old coots like me?..rehatching old stories is all they got..so please excused the recycled goods..as life is..a continuous rehatching of the same themes..in a different era and different times...but certain things never change..and I know in as far as polygamy is concern, we can argue until all the cows and sheep come home.....but as to your contention that todays women can share..well..from what pakmat reads in todays papers..it is not happening yet..not in my part of the world, anyway...thank you for stopping bye..cheers..

drwati said...

salam pakmat, dropping by from oldstock's blog, about being fair- adil does not mean equal, but putting something in its right place, so it doesn't mean every wife has to have equal posession / rotation / or equal whatever of their man-- so the first wife has got to have more (to be fair to her) and the next wives have to agree.. that's my opinion

i read a first wife's blog sometime ago, and she actually said that she allowed her husband to marry his colleague because her husband had enough respect for her to ask her permission to properly court the girl (whom he thinks he had fallen in love with). She agreed but with conditions- they have to be properly engaged and can only meet with a family member as chaperon, and she must get to know the girl first. So the girl was invited to their house, and she found that she actually could accept her as part of the family.

she said that if her husband had lied to her and went out dating behind her back, she would have retaliate and hate him forever.

for women, when we grow older, passion turns to compassion.

thanks for your honest post. i didn't know that men can love simultaneously (or are you lying?) because your children might be reading this? in my mind if a man remarry (not for charity) that means he loves the current wife less than before. that's what i honestly think (surely other women think the same too).

pakmat said...

..salam drwati..of course in polygamy the word that got bandied around is 'adil'..and to pakmat the power to be 'adil' as everyone understand it is with the Most Supreme..Allah SWT..but in polygamy..'jika kamu takut tidak berlaku ail terhadap perempuan yatim, maka kahwini lah perempuan-perempuan lain yang kamu senangi: dua, tiga atau empat. Kemudian jika kamu takut tidak berlaku adil maka seorang saja..'followed by 'dan kamu sekali-kali tidak akan dapat berlaku adil diantara isteri-isteri kamu walupun kamu sangat ingin berrbuat demikian' both from An-Nisaa'..

..in polygamy adil, in the eyes of pakmat, is about material..harta and giliran..care and maintenance..of these a husband has to show that he is adil..but in matters of the heart..as in matters of jimak..that is beyond him..and God make allowances for this in His second firman..but usually wives (1st wife, generally) will interpret adil right down to the last iota..be it harta or be it sex..sedangkan yng dituntut ialah giliran yang sama..it is not a question of how many times you do it with your new wife, you must also do it the same number of times with your 1st wife..but it is the question of if you spent 3 nights there, then it is also 3 nights here..and so forth..:)akhirnya ianya kembali kepada keradaan..terhadap Allah dan ugamaNya dan terhadap suami...
..take care in Manchester..cheers..

Estrelita Soliano Grosse said...

As a child of divorced parents, I think that it was preferable to see my parents lead separate lives happily than remain together miserably.

Personally, I am against divorce and marriage for me is till "death do us part".