Tuesday, 27 October 2009

..they said..

..my children said I am cynical..and grumpy..

..and I said that I am trying to accept aging and trying to grow old gracefully..

..my friends said that I am like that goods on a shelf.. way past its expiry date..

..and I said that I still have it in me..but what it is that I still have, I really do not know..

..and my wife said, on seeing me struggling with those heavy flower pots, trying to arrange things, "Oi, abang, awak tu dah tua..buat cara tua.." (Attempts at translating what she said into the Queen's language failed..somehow I could not get the nuances of her jibe right.)

..the bank said sorry, you're too old for loans..

..my ex-wife said, see you in court..

..my granddaughter said, I love you, papatok..


Justiffa said...

Salam pakmat.. i've always imagined how tortured would be the person trapped in a paralysed body, rendered completely useless (tak satu pun yg boleh digerakkan except maybe the eyes) but still having a mind that's fully functional. hyper-aware, hyper-sensitive just laying there, day after day, watching the people you love slowly giving up on you (as they inevitably will), yet trying their best not to. and you start seeing the guilt in their eyes.. you dont want them to feel that way but theres nothing you can do about it. and how time would inch by ever so slowly..and you're caught in the helplessness & the hopelessness of the whole situation. that even if you want to end it all you cant bcos its not your time yet.. and life goes on & on regardless.

Now that scenario in my head always gets me back on track & helps me let go of the anger, hurt, fear, uncertainties.. of loved ones.. of growing old & how excruciatingly lonely it really is.. of life & the afterlife.. of so many many things.

Eeek, melalut la pulak sori... just sharing :)

pakmat said...

Salam Justiffa.. no, lady..your're not melaluk..you're just being sensitive..

..and being able to let go is a gift..not many has that ability..but you are blessed..in many ways..more than you could ever count..

and I have imagined what you've imagined..constantly..for the father of a Chinese lady next door to where the missus operates her small hair-dressing shop is totally paralyzed after a stroke..fed through a tube, only his eyes moved.

.once in a while my wife will give him a haircut..since before, during his healthier times,we used to chat and joked, I sometimes accompanied her..often as I helped lift his head, our eyes met..tho I made light chatter, I could not miss nor ignore the pleading and the hopelessness in his eyes..and tears would inevitably welled up in his and a little in mine..his daughter, Pin, stood stoically by..

..what I am trying to say, lady, is that your love ones will not give up on you..neither will friends..but they will accept you for what you are and for what you have become..as his daughter Pin has accepted her father's fate..hingga akhir hayat, lady..hingga akhir hayat..as her father must have known..for I can feel him thanking me with his eyes..