Tuesday, 16 March 2010

..at peace with my past...

..a wish from a friend, on facebook,  'May you make peace with your past,' sets this old man thinking..

..I started this blog talking about Bachok..and somehow it centrifuged into a whirlpool that is my past..it became a memoir of sorts..the words flowed along with my anger..and I supposed it showed..to a discerning reader, and there are lots out there,  I guessed it more than showed, for sometimes I released all plugs and write with my heart..along with my pain..and bias..and angst..and idiosyncrasies...for I told myself then, as of now, that I will be honest..maybe I have been too honest..

..it must have showed, too, that I am very much a romantic..and sentimental to boot..and that sometimes there is this revolt in me..this constant revolt in some dark corner of my heart that I find difficult to suppress..that surfaced and coloured my words....but I realised now that it is so unneccessary..this anger..this damning the past..as said that anonymous  commentor, I must learn to let go..its like fishing..I have been through the catches..now its time for release..time to let go..

..they say age makes a man cynical..and I say that age makes you look back into your past, sometimes ruefully...at my age, there is not much future to look forward to, except, perhaps, death..and death has a way of coming unannounced..as today it came to a fellow  blogger, Ruby Ahmad..our path crossed but once in cybersphere, when I commented on Uncle Lee's blog..May she rest in Peace...

..but I supposed we all have our time...

10 comments:

hazeleyed lady said...

Ass-salam pakmat
...'D day' is yet to come...but until than...make the most out of it...and you'll be blessed.
i am sure you have doe wonders.
Take care pakmat.

pakmat said...

yes, hazel, d day has yet to come..and I sm now staring into the eyes of my past..:) and you take care, too..

Justiffa said...

Letting go is never easy but let go we must bcos that is the step towards redha.. semoga bertemu ketenangan yg dicari pakmat.

JDBB :D

Al-Fatihah utk gemuloh.

pakmat said...

..and you r so right, lady justi..:) sometimes truth stares you in the eye but you cannot see..and I cannot blame on the cataract..:) cheers..and you take care, jdbb..

rizal hashim said...

PakMat, one of my mentors Husin Rahman of NST fame, conveyed one simple message when he persuaded me to leave berita harian to join malay mail.

"write from the heart".

writing from the heart takes quite an effort, pakmat, because some of us do not like to present our weaker side or are selective in memory and persecution...

but you pakmat have shown to us its ok to have weaknesses et al...its the reason why your audience remains captivated...

glad that you have made peace with your past.

rh/lc

Patricia said...

I am new to your blog, Pakmat, and so maybe I have missed some of what you speak of.

But the man I've met in these pages is someone I like. I like your honesty, and your willingness to believe that there is another side to things.

That takes a big heart.

But something I do when I look back on my past (as I am in my 50s, and like you, there is more 'behind' than there is 'in front' ;) - is to look back with kindness. Towards myself. I did what I did, at the time, because that was all I knew then. I'd like to think I know better now, and would do things differently, if I have the chance again.

We are so busy always forgiving others. We need to learn to also forgive ourselves, and move forward.

Tommy Yewfigure said...

Hey Pakmat, u r alright for an old bloke. I supposed like me,we were just 'nakal' but never 'jahat' back in those days.

In my younger days, my neighbourhood Pak Iman told me that it's good for human to be naughty/bad in their younger days, eventually they'll be good role models in their older years & vice versa i.e. good when young then become bad/EVIL when older.

Looking at it now, it's very true. I see those goodie2shoes in younger days have turned real rotten in their adult lives,hmmmmm.., as if they're going ALL OUT making up for their lost time.

Well, peace brother, we'll shall leave our fate to the almighty!

Salam,
Tommy

pakmat said...

..lc..thank you,friend..:) for it was your words that made this coot take stock of things..

and patricia, u r right..I was too busy forgiving and making way for others that I forgot to take time to assess myself and forgive myself..whatever had happened, it had happened..and I cannot changed things..I must accept it before I can draw lessons from it..

and I was nakal, tommy, superlatively so..:) with sometimes the pecker rules..and am trying hard to be a good role model now that I am old..better than vice-versa..:) cheers, brother..peace..

shirley said...

pakmat...im for one who never forgive myself for the death of my son..9 yrs and the grieve and anger had taken a heavy toll on me..it's time to let go and learn to forgive myself like how you say..in order to find peace within myself..thank you pak mat..take care

pakmat said...

hi, shirley..and here's to wishing you find the peace that you seek..:) and you take care, too..and welcome to my blog..cheers..