Tuesday, 23 November 2010

..collateral damage..

..war, as in divorce, has its casualties..most times the casualties are the innocents..the Americans, seeking refuge under euphemism, called it collateral damage..a nice, impersonal term for lives lost..lives that are not factored when those precision missiles somehow killed innocents..

..but there are no precision in a divorce..and like wars, divorces sometime happened..whether acrimonious or otherwise, collateral damage in a divorce are always the children..and a society quick to condemn which does not help any one bit..every little thing that the children does after the big D is magnified, with an accusing finger pointed at the father..if their grades fall, its the father..if they took to smoking, its the father..even if they had a mishap with their bicycle on the way back from school, its knowing looks and mutterings ..their father just divorced their mother..

..homes that broke down results in broken down children..it is what we come to expect from such children..society  expects them to..it is as if all social ills are because fathers such as me, divorced their wives..we are quick at generalizing..all those mat rempits came from broken down homes.,.sheesh..

..but I know that fathers can still play a role after a divorce..it is a matter of minimising the damage..it is a matter of giving him a chance  to control..and damage control is through being near..being around..and an acceptance of the situation, especially by their mother..for children reacts to their mother's reactions..restricting access to their father is not the way..neither is the blame-game..yes, I am guilty as charge..but where does  it leaves things?..


hazeleyed lady said...

Grieve and regrets ...one shall not...
for one could only plan...
Allah knows best!

Wan Sharif said...

I believe you got it right..mate.
If only everyone is more positives and forward looking... we would have a more peaceful world to live in.. an excellent entry in retro mode.. I guess I have a lot to learn from you...

Freddie Kevin said...

Howdy Pakmat,

The situation becomes more pitiful for the kids when the parents have bitter animosity even after divorce.

Any one or the other having such tendency has an irreparable effect on the kids in more ways than one.

yes, I have friends in such situations.

Pakmat, I may be wrong but I think the present times are a contributing factor. In my younger days, I have friends and acquaintances from broken marriages, who are fine upright people today.

Good one by the way. All parents must be selfless and have the kids welfare above all else, single, married, seperated and divorced.

Yes, a good one this.

Warm Greetings

Freddie Kevin said...


All the best to your daughter, Auji.


dotsnodds said...

yes pakmat, a good one indeed.

acrimony in matrimony is sometimes best solved by parting ways. but the community treat couples who decide to throw in the towel especially to fathers in a cruel way. maybe becos it is the man who has the final say. but women (wife) also have their say in many ways which contribute to the factors of divorce.

It is better for acrimonious couples to live a separate life than be a burden to their children when they are together in a suffering life.

the children are in many ways better served when both parents are happier being unmarried (or married to another) than being in a bad relationship just for the sake of the children. been there done that

Grandpa said...

While there may be valid reasons for the divorce, or if you believe in 'takdir' or that you can only plan... but both parents should come to their senses and make every effort to minimise the effect on their children, that's the least they should do

pakmat said...

..peace be upon you, folks..no one goes into a marriage with a view to divorce..but certain things happen..but when it does, it takes some effort to get over the bitterness..rightly we should we should get over it and strategise for the sake of the children..only sometimes we hurt the children in order to spite our ex..to me, all those finger pointings do not help much..

pakmat said...

..daughter says thank you, Kevin..:)

Tommy Yewfigure said...

Our fate & destiny are all written in the stars, Pakmat. All things considered, I believed u did ur best & u should be proud that all ur kids (taking your #1 Tisa as an example)turn out very well :))

n.b; All of us have regrets one way or another but we learn to live with it and make amends where ever possible :(

ismi said...

the wise reflections of pak mat..
i am taking lessons. thank you :)

pakmat said...

..thank you, tommy..am learning to live with it..hehehe..

..it is just reflections, ismi..:)