..squirrels and baz..

..I do not normally shoot squirrels..not even for target practice..I prefer to let them be..oh, they are pests alright, feasting and boring holes on young coconuts..much to the dismay of the villagers...but there are coconut-trees everywhere..growing lush and green with each tree bearing 20 to 40 coconuts..what difference does it make if the squirrels feasted on one or two..?..or 10?...

..common snipes..my preferred shoot..
The difficulties involved in hunting snipe
gave the term "sniper", a skilled anti-personnel
military sharpshooter..pakmat wikied this..

..and so, most times, I do not take part in any squirrel shoot in my village..I was of the mind that the damage to the fruit was minimal..and the squirrels deserved their share of the coconuts..but demand for young coconuts are on the rise..at 40 cent per nut, to those whose income is from selling them, a few taken by the squirrels is not an option..

..to the aborigines deep in the forest of Southern Kelantan, Pos Gob or Balar, squirrels are considered a delicacy..along with wild boar..wild boars are trapped.. but squirrels are brought down with a puff from the blow-pipe... as also monkeys that strayed into their line of sight.. darts with tips poisoned with gum of the ipoh tree...chak rayak, big feast followed after the catch..

..you do not get to see any harmed coconuts around their bamboo houses..

..and someone said squirrels is good for aging men like pakmat....the meat is heaty.. being not too sure about its 'halal'ness, pakmat settled with his daily intake of Pharmaton Ginseng...

..but sometimes the squirrels get out of line..they came in packs.. last year they destroyed almost all of my neighbour's durians fruiting on one particular tree..causing them to drop prematurely..bringing consternation to the owner..and this year that tree is fruiting again..and this year they sought my help, with a tentative 'Could pakmat possibly....?'

..I thought about it...it has been ages since I brought the gun out..or purchased shells..but I still have two boxes of number 8's..

..since aging is natural and shooting is optional, I said yes..I will shoot the squirrels...and take care of that particular durian tree..and maybe get some of the adrenalin rushing again..

..nothing in the league of snipe shooting, of course...where the whole senses are tuned razor-sharp as you walked steadily the fields..breathing controlled, and gun at ready...waiting for that first flutter of wings, and the 'squeek' as the bird took off..and in that instance, the gun became an extension of the arm, a smooth swing of the barrel as it followed the flight, overlapped.... and the squeeze of the trigger, with the snipe in full flight..the wings folded on impact.. as the bird took a curving trajectory downwards, the gun is reloaded almost instinctively, eyes not leaving the spot where it fell....but the walk is still steady and unhurried..and the senses still keen, for other snipes, known to crouch at the first shot and will only took flight as you near it...

..as I took out my gun and felt the years slipped by, I suddenly recalled the lines of Baz Luhrmann..

But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself
and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you
and how fabulous you really looked...

..pakmat, 20 over years ago...

..papers, hair colours, andropause..

..the only paper-stand in Bachok town..

..you cannot read the papers whilst having breakfast in Bachok..not if you, like me, have your breakfast at 7.30 in the morning..the papers will only hit the news stands by 8.30 in the morning, earliest...

..papers in Bachok are managed by the late Pak Wel's family..his children has taken over the business, helped by their mother, since his death more than four years ago..yes, there is only one news stand..and only about 10 copies of the English daily, the New Straits Times, are available and sold everyday..and I used to wonder who are these ten people..not having the time to sit by the stand and take note of who buys them..

..the likes of The Star or Malay Mail are seldom available..but all the Malay dailies are there..including Harakah..

..Chuan, the goldsmith, reads the New Straits Times.. he will normally buy his from Kota Bharu, knowing that the availability of the NST in Bachok is not reliable..and I will normally read his copy..after he have done and read it, in the afternoon, on completion of my daily errands..children fetched from school..lunch cooked.. or bought from Pak Ya's beach front restaurant..and the cats fed..

..on one such an afternoon, as I was engrossed with Alika Rahman's piece on Dr. Pornthip's hair colours, Chuan sauntered to me casual-like and said, "You know what's wrong with you?'

I shook my head without lifting my eyes from the paper..I have reached the part where it was claimed she had already performed 10,000 autopsies..that is enough autopsies (read, cutting opened dead bodies) to last a life-time..

'You are having andropause. In women it is menopause. But you, at your age, you are having andropause,' said the self-acclaimed health expert. 'That's why you are moody. Hot and cold. Tired. No energy. No libido.'

He left to attend to customers before I could think of a suitable reply..but what he said stuck to my mind.

..that night I googled it...hmm..andropause..www.andropause.com..where it said that growing old is natural. Feeling old is optional..and the lack or decline of a hormone testosterone in men causes andropausal effect in men..

..much later, as I nestled for bed, I sighed a sigh of relief..it is a condition after all..and if women have their menopause..well, we men have our andropause..since it is only a condition, I can deal with it..

..like a pair of new boots..

..sometimes the reason why wives put up with their husbands is because they're just comfortable with them..and keep their feet warm..

..apart from, of course, loving them more than anything in world..

..little portions...

..things in Bachok comes in small portions..it is a small town, after all..where the pace is leisurely and unhurried..no one is doing a roaring business..but everyone is managing to survive..as my wife is..with her small hair and beauty shop..and her neighbour, the Chuans, a brother and sister team sharing one premise..brother Chuan is a goldsmith and sister Pin manages a gift shop..

..Pin at her gift shop..

..unlike her brother, who is married with two daughters, Pin, in her mid-forties, is a spinster..customers will normally find them cheerful and easy to deal with..as with most Chinese in Kelantan, both speaks Malay with a heavy Kelantanese dilect..

..Chuan, the goldsmith..

..whilst Chuan commutes everyday from Kota Bharu, where he has a home, Pin makes the little shop her home.. and home is where she takes care of her 74year-old father..who remains motionless for the past two years..on a bed and at the back portion of the shop...senior Chuan is totally paralyzed after a stroke that he suffered in early 2007..fed through a tube, and on schedule every day by Pin, only his eyes move..

..but his hair grows...

..every now and then, my wife will be asked to crop his hair.. the first time the request was made, she called me to ask whether it will be alright..the terms of her opening the little shop was unequivocal..no men..I pondered over it when she called.. Chuan Senior is a friend..we used to chat and joked over stuff and damsels during his healthier times..so I said ok..but I want to be there when you do it..

..not used to cropping hair in bed to a motionless head, my wife struggled..I helped lift his head..all the while avoiding his eyes..but it met, nonetheless..for a moment there, it was like staring into a bottomless pit..as a tear welled in his, mine filled..I murmured something to Pin..but I know he was trying to say thank you..

..later, that night, after Isyak prayers, I gave my thanks to Him..thank you, O Lord, for Your little mercies..if I must die, for I know I must, let it be with iman.. and let it be quick..let me not suffer, O Lord..for You are the Most Loving..and the Most Merciful...

..thank you, Justiffa..

..this coot would like to thank Justiffa for taking me by the shoulders and helped point me in the right direction..I have reached that point in life when a little melancholia seeped unsuspectingly..and it takes the instincts of a woman to read, correctly, in between the lines of my postings, that I am headed in the wrong direction..not too way off, but a few degrees off center..

..the lines of Baz Luhrmann brought me back on track..with a smile in my heart and some tears in my soul..and you can bet, Justiffa, this geezer will do the funky chicken at 75..

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97
Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future,
sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience
I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh nevermind,
you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself
and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you
and how fabulous you really looked,
you are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts,
don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind,
the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults,
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life,
the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22
what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,
Maybe you’ll divorce at 40,
Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary
What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can, don’t be afraid of it,
or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurtin, but I've been waitin' to be there for you
And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings, they are the best link to your past
and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard,
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander,
you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young
prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia,
dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off,
painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen

Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurtin, but I've been waitin' to be there for you
And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can
Everybody's free oh yeah
Everybody's free oh yeah

..p.ramlee and me..

..when he died in May, 1973, I was a 26yr-old youth madly in love ..his songs were always on my lips and his movies in constant replay in my mind.. and much later, when karaoke was the rage, any sessions was not complete without his songs being sung..'Gelora" being the top choice for duets with girlfriends andwives ...and when 'Bila Larut Malam' was played, friends present will automatically go into 'kura-kuca' mode..

..P. Ramlee will always be part of my life, even almost 40 years after his death..I have seen most of his movies..and know most of his songs..even those that I did not know, I know snatches of it..

..but as to whether his songs and films has had an influence on me, I cannot really say..even though his films had a message for everyone...from etiquette on living together in communal houses, renting individual rooms, to the comical disasters of having more than one wife..and to the conflicts of a prodigal son...

..who does not know and quote his famous, 'Aiya..hidup susah, mati pun susah'?

..I supposed, like everyone else, I watched his films and cried and laughed, but never really took to heart what he was trying to say.. contented to just escape for a moment into his world..

..yet everyone that I know had one time or other, sang his song, or watched his movies... I remember as a kid, sitting on the steps of my grandfather's house, bellowing 'Engkau Laksana Bulan' to the full moon with my cousins until a shout from grandmother put a stop to it..

..bits and pieces of him is in everyone of my contemporaries..and even in present generations, being exposed to countless reruns of his films on television..

..we know his songs..and we enjoyed his films..we can remember parts of the dialogue..but as to what he was trying to tell us, we do not hear..we just do not bother to take heed of his messages..
..and that is a pity..and, in a way, we had failed him..we failed him miserably..

..but one song and one scene that is forever etched in my mind is 'Joget Si-Pinang Muda.' ..the beat is catchy, foot-tapping and finger-thumping rhythm, the lyrics simple...and the teasing between a husband and a wife, complete with that tongue smirk of Zaitun, goes straight to the heart..

...yes, I enjoyed the joget... as he flirted with Zaitun..but the message, that the relationship between a husband and a wife should sometimes be fun..be flirtatious.. be sexy.. is lost..which is a pity..




..

..yesterday's sun..

..the lines below was my response to a post in a friend's blog, Uncle Lee..I thought it deserved a place here in my blog..as a little window to this oldster's heart.

"..I have reached the stage where I have given up on most things..some due to health, like smoking...some due to expediency and lack of stamina, like fishing and hunting for birds and small game with my 12 bore shotgun..some due to propriety, like singing and dancing..all these I kept locked up in a small cupboard in some quiet part of my mind and threw away the key..your blog helped me retrieved that key..and I took out my dancing memory and relived for a while those days when I was young and foolishly carefree..dancing and singing the nights away..with a flame in my heart and a fire in my arms..I cannot bring back those times..and most times I let that cupboard of memories be..of days past..and I will not allow the tears for yesterday's sun hide my view of today's stars..thank you, lee..you made me recall the rays of yesterday's sun.."

..on oldies and Zee Avi..

..music to this oldster has always been oldies..songs of the sixties..stuff by Matt Monroe (Walk Away)...Nat King Cole (Smile)..and angst-ridden songs by Cliff Richard, Steve Lawrence or Dion and the Belmont..

..but once in a while, when pointed out by features in the New Straits Time, I came across gems by today's youngsters that this geezer just could not ignore..that they are Malaysian is like putting in capital letters reminders to me that today's generation is on the beat and their music deserved a listen..

..case in point are, of course, Yuna and Zee Avi..that they are Malaysians and getting attention on the international scene makes this old man takes heed.. and a little proud..

..some reasons why i loved Bachok..

..Masjid Paya Mengkuang,Kampong Sungei, near my house..
..I can hear the muezzin's call to prayer
as one of the speakers is aimed directly
towards my home..

..Mak Sah at her vegetables stall, Bachok small Wet and Dry Market..
...widowed and stoical,
she is cheery and always gives me generous discounts..

..searching for edible shells in shallow waters along the beaches of
Bachok..it is fun outing for the whole family..

..wife is from Bachok..
..runs a small hair and beauty shop in Bachok, ladies only..
..school-girls and middle-aged
mothers formed her main clientele..most are her friends..who often
dropped in not for the cut but for a chat..
..and respite from the shopping heat..

..Bachok damsels are known for their independent ways and friendliness..
..putting henna on nails..

..our often heard but never seen MP..

..wide roads, no cars..
..which makes driving easy for this old coot..
..even then, since retirement 9 years ago, had been signaled off
the road twice by a siren blaring, blue lights flashing lead outrider
of a motorcade ferrying god know how many v's ip to god knows where..
..leaving this oldster grumbling..if there are so many v's in their ip, can't the
plane or the meeting wait for them..?
..instead of dashing at neck-breaking speed..sending chickens
and cats helter-skelter..?

..wife giving coot a haircut..
..the only man allowed in when there are
no hens around..pic censured by wife....

..rm2 a packet for this steam rice with fried spicy chicken..
..asked why she sells it cheaply at rm2 a bungkus, she said she
pitied the school children who generally have
not enough money to buy..she adjusted
the portion and lower her profit..
..

..sunrise in front of home..the air is fresh, oxygen rich and
pollutant free..

..Pasar Malam, Pantai Irama, Bachok..
..held every Friday after Asar until 10 in the night..
..from bundle shoes to coconut floats..

..keropok lekor..
..unbeknown to most, Bachok has an active keropok lekor cottage
industry..mostly fringing the beach..

..all pictures except of MP(tagged from www) are taken with my handphone..the Sony-Ericsson K800i that my children will not be seen dead with..

..

..but I believe..

...I can go the distance..




I have often dreamed
Of a far off place
Where a great warm welcome
Will be waiting for me
Where the crouds will cheer
When they see my face
And a voice keeps saying
This is where I'm meant to be

..they said..

..my children said I am cynical..and grumpy..

..and I said that I am trying to accept aging and trying to grow old gracefully..

..my friends said that I am like that goods on a shelf.. way past its expiry date..

..and I said that I still have it in me..but what it is that I still have, I really do not know..

..and my wife said, on seeing me struggling with those heavy flower pots, trying to arrange things, "Oi, abang, awak tu dah tua..buat cara tua.." (Attempts at translating what she said into the Queen's language failed..somehow I could not get the nuances of her jibe right.)

..the bank said sorry, you're too old for loans..

..my ex-wife said, see you in court..

..my granddaughter said, I love you, papatok..

..some things are inevitable..

..inevitably the wife of a close friend who had taken on a second wife for the past one year, came to this old coot, and spilt her heart out..pouring out her grievances amid sobs and tears..which put this old man in a quandary...after all her husband is a friend..and you do not generally bad-mouthed your friend to his wife.. she had just found out his 'infidelity'... so I hmmmed and I hawed..and I listened..and I waited until she has exhausted of things to tell..

..she wanted divorce.. and leads to a good bomoh..he had been charmed, she said. They all said that. Now that he had his new flame, she wanted out. They all wanted that, too. Her mind was set...She wanted me to show her to a good bomoh..Someone told her that there is a reputable bomoh in Bachok..and that Pakmat knows the man..

...her husband was one of those nouveau rich..had struggled as a contractor and suddenly found himself had it made..and like most men in such a position, decided to auger his position by taking another wife..

..I cannot help her on both counts..I cannot help put asunder what God had put together..and I cannot show her the way to a bomoh for I do not want to stand later as an accessory..

..and so, rightly or wrongly, I said I am sorry..

..little things mean a lot

..isn't this is what every woman wants from her man..?

...is it too much to ask..?

...is it too hard to give..?

Blow me a kiss from across the room
Say I look nice when I'm not
Touch my hair as you pass my chair
Little things mean a lot

Give me your arm as we cross the street
Call me at six, on the dot
A line a day when you're far away
Little things mean a lot

Don't have to buy me diamonds and pearls
Champagne, sables, and such
I never cared much for diamonds and pearls
'Cause honestly, honey, they just cost money

Give me your hand when I've lost the way
Give me your shoulder to cry on
Whether the day is bright or grey
Give me your heart to rely on

Send me the warmth of a secret smile
To show me you haven't forgot
Now and forever that always and ever
Little things mean a lot


..but to find a woman who does not care for diamonds and pearls...

..downtown..

..enjoy the song...as you read the post below..

..retreat to Cameron..

..everyone has retreats, private hideouts where they can forget their troubles and care..

..as a preteen, my retreat was under a mangosteen tree that grew in front of my grandparents' house..as a youth in KL in the 60's, struggling to make ends meet and forsaking studies, preferring work, angst driven and pimple ridden, retreat was Bukit Bintang Park..the crowd..the dazzle of neons..endless music blaring from unseen speakers..Rose Chan and the joget girls..

..at times, retreat was the British Council, near Bukit Aman..but rarely..

..later, much later, a wife and several kids later, it was some part of the ocean, or some islands in Terengganu..adrift on a boat, reeling out live baits..where the sea meets the sky..

..after an attempt at polygamy later, retreat was Pos Balar, Gob, Teranek and every nook of the forest in Gua Musang, trying to make better the lives of Orang Aslis', whilst own was in ruins..

..but now, in my twilight, retreat is Cameron Highlands..my Camp David, minus the retinue of
FBI's and such..

..mesjid Abu Bakar, Tanah Rata..
..the only landmark that has not changed..

..Auji, trying her hand at picking berries..at rm40 at pick..
..strawberry has become the mainstay of Cameron's tourist attraction..

..Cameron Bharat Tea Plantation..

..Kea Farm..
..ripe strawberries..rm20 for 5 packets..

..but Cameron has changed..its warmer..it was only at 5.30 am before subuh prayers, that I got to feel the brisk, bracing cool air that I used to enjoy of yesteryears...you cannot anymore see the trees on hill-tops...they have been cleared and terraced for cultivation..the rapacious greed for money and profit is too evident here..man never learns...and his folly never ceases..

..a bit marital..

..this geezer had his share of marital spats..being once a polygamist.. maybe more than a normal share of husband and wife quarrels..the wrath of a woman is something to be wary about and gives some credence to the saying that 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'..

..I supposed marriage is about finding common ground whilst appreciating the differences..and men tend to carry more load than they can carry...and women never say what they mean..

..in a way, spats with the missus give colour and add that much needed spice to marriages..necessary to let out pent up feelings and emotions..so that later adjustments can be made..often, this coot has been given the silent treatment..and that extra clatter in the kitchen..pretending ignorance does not help..but helpful hints from the children does.. men do not see things like a woman does..and a woman seldom sees things beyond their needs..

..but whatever the cause or causes, everyone has their own way of dealing with it.. whilst an open quarrel in front of the children is a no, no..there are some that chose the privacy of a drive in the family car..which, to me, is also a no, no..for its easy to go out of control..both the car and the quarrel..which could easily ends up with both the marriage and the car in the drain..best to do it in an open field...and a mat spread out..for feuds are known to change into a romantic encounter..all it needs is just a kiss and a hug...

sometimes, I wished wives can be more expressive about their feelings..for husbands need reminding, too..and as this coot approaches senility, every reminder helps..

..i am racist..

..children do not know the difference..

pic from exif photostream at http://www.flickr.com/photos/exif/..thank you exif..
..the caption was exif's.. a teacher from Kluang, Johor..

..I have become more racist these days..and I cannot help being so..5o years onwards from our first general elections..independence and the end of the emergency, the only tune our political masters kept on singing is about the double 'r', race and religion.. old coots like me had been reconditioned to be a little bit racist..my children and, without doubt, my grandchildren, too..

..yes, we have become a dynamic nation..our economic growth is the envy of neighbours..we have our submarines and even dared talk about nuclear energy..

..but along the way, we have lost a lot of things..mostly the ability to laugh at ourselves..we became kiasued in our compartmentalized lives tinged with racism..we dare not laugh at our little differences..afraid that it might hurt misplaced sensitivities..for, indeed, we have become hyper sensitive..to the colour of our skin, and the nature of our customs..we dare not even dare called Tanjong Keling, Tanjong Keling..afraid that it might hurt others sensitivities..shall we now renamed Masjid India, Masjid Malaysia?

..time was I can called an apek, an apek..and he will shouted back, 'hey, melayu' as a rejoinder.. and we thought nothing about it...we cannot make fun anymore of our idiosyncrasies and differences..

..somewhere along the way, we blundered..big time..and I dread thinking the legacy we are leaving our children and grandchildren..they have to make their way out of this mess themselves.. somehow... they have to crawl out of those thick shells that we have cocooned ourselves in..

..stations in life..

..whenever I chanced upon old colleagues or departmental mates of former offices where I once worked, I would, inevitably be asked, 'so..what are you doing now?' ...which will get various response from me.. sometimes I said, hbgm - hayong batu gi mari.. sometimes I said, nothing.. upon learning that I really am doing nothing, except enjoying my twilight years, they were usually surprised..

.. I understood their surprise...for they have seen me with my circle of friends that I usually moved around, then ..mostly successful men in the contracting and business field..but then I was a government officer, and friends were easier to keep.

...but as a government employee, I had never thought of being otherwise..even though there were opportunities..I had not really planned for employment after retirement.. I had then thought that retirement was the cut-off point between work(gainfully employed) and retired(finis..doing nothing..draw monthly pension, ..a slow walk towards the sunset.)

.. Called me stupid, if you must..for, indeed, I was.

.there was, of course, life after retirement..it is just a matter of planning for it, do some adjustments and simply just go for it..age was never a factor..attitude is..but in this oldster's case, I just let it be..not wanting to be anything else except just a retiree..

..and, I think, on most counts, I am ok..not much money, but not much debts either..and sleep is sound..

..whilst not every one is destined to break through the clouds and play among the stars..we all have our station in life.. while others leave their launch-pad and took a trajectory that will take them up high, touching the moon along the way, there are some that remain below the launch-pads..not getting higher than the edge of the grass stalks..and not for want of trying.. or for the lack of will to dream..but that is their stations in life..and if, everyday, we give our thanks to our Maker for our daily bread, accepting His will, His designs, then, I think, God, in His Greatness, will give us His blessings...

...Happy Deepavali...

..grandfathers were once fathers, too..

..when this old coot first became a father, way back in 1975, the joy was euphoric..tending to the firstborn was a shared responsibility..many a nights this oldster woke up to make milk..once, whilst still half-asleep, I had poured hot water onto the milk tin, thoroughly missing the milk-bottle..

..burping the baby was an art in itself, as also getting the temperature of the milk just right..

..but being a father carried with it a lot of responsibilities, I was later to find out, and later to learn..for children grew, sometimes faster than a father can keep up pace with..

..even though bestowed with an almost unlimited power, to make rules and regulations, power alone was not enough to endear..it was then that I discovered in as much as the judicial system of a country must be fair, but also seen to be fair, justice, and meting out justice, in the home is more complicated, especially when dealing with siblings rivalry..a situation aggravated with a mother-in-law lurking in the background somewhere..its to easy to forget that she was adjusting to grandmotherhood as I was to fatherhood..

..but I coped, trying to strike a balance between being too strict and being too relax..not really having a role-model, as I was a posthumous child, I tried reading on the intricacies of parenthood..good for broad outlines, but details, no..so it was more of a learning on the job, the physical and the psychological sides of it..it was trial by error all the way..

..used to the wiles of a woman, this coot is not familiar with the wiles of children..their quicksilver mind, their super-ability to read adults situations, and their endearing and manipulative ways..but, as I said, I coped..and I hoped I had not been too bad a father..

..there are, of course, a few lessons learned along the way..mostly a series of nevers ..paramount amongst them is never to lose your temper with your children..never, full stop...anger removes your sense of judgment..children do not understand uncontrolled anger in fathers..it demeans the status of a father in their eyes..and anger makes you whack your child..which brings me to the second lesson learned...

..never whack your children..it leaves scars, if not physical, then psychological, more often both..a child's memory is long, as a father's regret is just as lingering..

..you know the oft-mentioned Malay adage about crabs teaching its young to walk straight?..true..very true..how was I to stop my sons from smoking, when papito himself reeks with stale smoke..? pollute the bathroom..pollute the hallways and the whole house, including the cars..? and I used to wonder why they grimaced everytime I offered my cheek to be kissed..huh..(Imagine the love that makes a woman put up with this foul-breath man)..

..but now that I am a grandfather life is more in cruise-controlled mode..I tried to keep my peace..I don't poke and I don't pry..I just enjoy and savour the innocence of my grandchildren..but sometimes, I wished they would refer to me...:)

..a matter of aging..

..an English daily provided an interesting read the other day for this geezer.. and a smile, too..( I had a vague suspicion about it all along)...it seems studies showed that women gets grumpier as they grow older..whilst men gets happier..hmm..the common phrase 'grumpy old men' needs a relook..

..and at the age when women has broken every barrier (including sound) and transcends every field(even football fields)..they had happily left their nests to become ceo's and coo's, cooing happily as they went..assailing heights that would make ordinary coots like me dizzy..broke through the final frontier and became astronauts..there's nothing that they cannot do, or be..the most powerful job in the country?..nothing to it..they did it with flair and with sex appeal..causing this old coot to drool..

..so, why aren't they happy as the years pile up?..whilst their opposite number are generally happier as they approach atuk, pakcik, uncle, or grandpa status?..

..just a little bit off..

..a fellow jumaah at the mosque where I usually prayed commented that I looked a bit off.. a little, I said... actually I was depressed..events around disheartened this old coot..

..an image of an infant floating in some backwaters with umbilical cord still attached sent shudders down my spine...a 16year-old lying unconscious after a brawl...and now fighting for his life...these images were enough to break an old man's spirit..and, somehow, at the back of my mind, were kept in constant replay mode..keeping my heart in a tight knot..and my head spinning..

..oh, God, have mercy on these poor souls..

..coupled that with images of whole villages being swallowed and buried piece-meal by avalanches and quakes, leaving behind not a single sign of life or leaf..like ants in shifting sand..reminding yet again how puny and frail we are..but would we remember?...and would we learn a little?...

..pardon me if you see me walking around with a scowl on my face..I just could not smile..pardon me if I looked perpetually dazed and morose...I am struggling in my innards..that I may still have faith in my fellow mankind...