..bi-anne and other daughters..

..I followed with interest the fight for Bi-Anne..and try to see in her all of my children who were affected when their mothers and I parted...we had our differences, their mothers and me..mainly it was my gallivanting ways, but I try not to aggravate the already bad situation by imposing my will on the children..a few days after the parting of ways with the first, the children, six girls and a boy stood in a line with the elder among them telling me that they chose to stay with their mother...I was stunned for a minute by their show of solidarity..but I agreed...I leave you this house and everything in it...I remember saying...and plucked myself out of the scene..

..my reasoning was simple..I tried not to change what they were familiar with..the two eldest girls were in UITM, Jengka Pusat and Kuantan and the third in TFC, Johore..and I visited them on average once a month..they have their mother..no reason why they should lose too much of their father..after all I was with a younger wife...

..in the case of Bi-Anne, its obvious that unlike what her name implies, she cannot be divided into two...I hope that reason will prevail and she be allowed to stay with the parent she is most comfortable with..she is, after all, eleven..and eleven-year olds these days are as much an adult as some 66-year olds that I know...

..love fires..

..fire in my garden..trash and leaves..pic taken thro my bedroom window..

..remember as a kid how we loved playing with fires?.....and got ticked off for it?..I remember when I was about 8 or 9, running riot around the padi fields in Kubang Kerian with rolled newspapers lit one end...I think every kid  have this fascination with fires..it is an essential part of growing up...like running naked in the rain..

.. as adults we play with different kind of fires..mainly fires of the heart..and being burnt just the same..with similar pain, maybe worse...and most times, we have no one to blame but ourselves....for we are arsonist ourselves, arsonist of the heart...

..I supposed in every one's life there comes a time when someone sets one's heart on fire...indubitably and furiously...releasing enough heat to cloud one's judgement and rationale..but love is like that...it may last..it may not..no matter how tenacious the fire...

..looking at the fire burning outside through my bedroom window made me realised that I have had my fires and burns...the  first have embered and its dying glow but a distant memory...but there is another kind of fire now burning.,.steadily and surreptitiously..I can feel the heat..and how helpless I am....O Lord, how I yearned for Your Mercy and Bounty..

..accidents and love..

..most times when accidents happened, the victims were caught unaware..like that 41year-old motorcyclist waiting for the lights to change in uptown Kota Bharu a few days ago...most likely he was on an errant..without doubt he was a law-abiding rider...unlike most mamat found whizzing around in town and jumping lights with ease..for that he paid with his life...a 4-wheel drive ramped him from behind and flung him a few meters across the road and snuffed the life out of him and cut short his life expentancy....and the lights was not yet green...

..accidents along life long road, sometimes, were just as unpredictable...we may be in auto-cruise mode one minute, with everything in its proper places and peachy..until an accident happened..it could be anything..like that youth going about diligently plucking palm fruits..no doubt whilst thinking about his wages, his family, or his love interest that he intends to wed...he was unwittingly electrocuted..he did not die...but he lost an arm..and maybe a leg...somehow, trying to tell him how fortunate he was for being alive sounds coarse and unsincere..

..its true...the only thing constant is death, and taxes..cliche, but profound...

as I woke up this Wednesday morning...it was the same old bed...across was the same old wife..I glanced at the same old clock on the wall..it was quarter to six...Ayam, the same old cat, meowed at my feet...and I glanced at son and daughter in their adjacent  rooms...same old children... but I gave my thanks..for the sameness...for I knew that it could be anything but...

..I gave my thanks to my Lord..for this extra time that He has bestowed upon me...and later, as I left for work, I gave my wife that extra lingering kiss..she was surprised, and impatient..but I persisted, for it could be my last..as earlier I had surprised my children by holding them a wee bit longer than usual..they complained, thinking, maybe I had gone nuts..only Ayam did not complain..but then, she is a cat..and what does a cat know about life's unpredictability?.....

..retirement, wives and stuffs..

..on the day of my retirement, eleven years ago, a subordinate who was also a close friend, gave me a card wishing me happy retirement..it was the only card that I received..oh, there were farewell gatherings, speeches and gifts..even a trip to Haadyai just for the heck of it..where we ramvonged and karaoked the nights away..but the card was special..I had it framed and hung it on a wall in my  bedroom....where it remained until this morning when I took it off to have it scanned..

..one would think that after more than a decade, one would get over it..but no, like those passionate moments with your ex-wives or girlfriends, it lingers and remains just as fresh as the day you last punched your card....a few days into retirement, I was still in back-to-office mode..pants and socks on, shirt tucked in and fingering a tie..not knowing where to go..wife, on the way to the kitchen, gave me a peck on the forehead and said, 'Go for breakfast outside..' I did...but the language was foreign..it was cows and goats..tabacco seasons and water released...different from office canteen stuff...later, I just sat in front of the telly and absentmindedly switched channels...the birds twittering outside were having a better time than me...

..a few years on, I realised that people retired everyday..it is just another stop before the last...for death awaits all...I just need to keep myself busy...so I landscaped the garden, renovated the house and traveled to my second wife in KL...that kept me busy for a while..but the mind, the brain, needed stimulus...it was too late to go hunting..sweet young things will not anymore gave me the time of day..no..I needed to channel it to something more productive than sex...

..later I was to learn that 90% of retirees spent their gratuities within their first year of retirement..and just as much percentage of their business endeavours failed...

..I spent my gratuity alright..but I also got myself a job...with a leading building contractor who secured a design and build school complex in Maran, Pahang...I prepared reports, chaired meeting on his behalf..and liased with the sub-contractors and consultants..and made trips to KL..it was only 2 hours away..and she waited my arrival with a warm embrace and petulant lips...

..but like upon everything else on this earth, gentle time had a telling effect on 55-year olds approaching 60...a bout of hypertension and tinnitus forced a change of gears...on downshifting, I discovered the net...I became a little bit net savvy...I made cyber friends..I blog...and most important of all.....I came to terms with myself...and old coot...


 ..to Asod, who gave me the card, and who will be retiring this 23rd of February..cheers and good luck...life does not begin at 40...no...it starts at 60...
 

..monsoon meanderings...

...a morning in between the rain..when the sky cleared momentarily and revealed its blue..

..a view from pakmat's house..

 ..for these boys, Mozaid and friends from KIST, Kolej Islam, Sains dan Teknologi, Bachok,

time to take out the net for some casting..

..but for Mekbu's litter of four..time for a snooze whilst waiting out the rain..

..year 3000,anyone?..

..when year 2000 came around, I was a bit perturbed..I am a nineteen-hundred man,having lived more than two scores of my life in them..in the fifties, the year 2000 was so very much in the future..it was unimaginable..and here I am, a few months short of being 66 years old, stepping out into another decade..

... I paused a little at the door as I let out a clueless Ayam..it was 6.00 o'clock in the morning of the first day of 2011..there was a slight drizzle and I could hear the relentless roar of the monsoon waves beating the shore...a squirrel frisked across an electrical supply cable, having feasted upon my apple mango tree laden with fruits..I bade it happy new year..

..later, as I crossed over to my neighbour's kitchen to check on their newly acquired kitten, I came across a copy of the Reader's Digest...November, 2010's edition..it has been aeon since I last read a copy...it used to be the favourite magazine of my school days..my 'Word Power' and 'Laughter is the Best Medicine' magazine..you walked into the future only to be transported back half a century by a little magazine...

..as I flipped through the pages, enjoying once more those small anecdotes scattered everywhere, my android rang..it was a friend's daughter..her female cat kept her awake last night,wailing for a mate..will pakmat please bring his tom, Mokmok over?..later at her house, I glanced at a Malay daily..a 120year-old man wanting to marry an 80year-old woman..hey..cats do it..the birds do it..centurions do it..and pakmat is only a few months short of 66..there is some life in this old coot yet..

..Mokmok..trying to look as fierce as pakmat..

..but I will not make it into the year 3000, of course..none of our present will.....but I have faith in our future generations..we may be self-destructive...but self-annihilation will not be our destiny.. God willing..

..happy new year, everyone...