..Ramadhan nears..

..Ramadhan is near...I can feel and almost see it...Ramadhan follows Syaaban, and today is the 5th of Syaaban....and the wife decided that we need a bigger rice-cooker...all the children will be back, she said...I smiled...her second son just started work in the city...but I bought her a bigger pot, anyway...

...pakmat looks forward to every Ramadhan...its the month he gauges the span of a year...its when he takes stock of himself...recounting the steps he had taken from the last..

...it was a momentous year, 1432...he made that journey to Masjidil-Haram...and all the rituals of haj...and it has moved him beyond words...and he remembered being depleted of feelings, laid bare to the very quick...seeing traces of the Prophet on whatever he cared to cast his eyes on...

..with every new  Ramadhan, he is a year older from the last...his body has started to creak and groan..but it has not hindered him from his daily chores and prayers...Ayam still wakes him up in the wee hours of morn, usually a few minutes after five...and the fresh, oxygen-filled air of the morning invigorates him as he opens the window..sometimes to a benign moon...

..and as with every Ramadhan, he wonders...will he last through this one?..and be around for another?..

..a crab of a father..

..you know the saying about crabs trying to teach their young crablets to walk straight?....well, as a father I am a crab....on most counts, I am guilty of asking my children not to do the things that I have done..for like most fathers, I want them to be better than me...and to avoid the mistakes that I have made...and so, I told my sons not to smoke...and they countered by saying that I was a heavy smoker my self..yes, I was, it has not done me any good except to wheeze in my old age...I told them not to miss their daily solat..and they say, papa started praying only in his late years..and I said, yes, and it has not done me any good, either...I told them to be choosy about choosing life partners..and they say papa was a polygamist..and I say, I do not want you to be one...I told the girls not to go after married men..and they say mama married one...it hit me that I have done all those things that I asked them not to..I am that proverbial crab...and this old, wheezing crab realised that no matter how much he loved his children, there is a limit to his exhortations...life is not about not doing this and not doing that...life is about making mistakes and learning from it...sometimes its about learning from others mistakes...for a father will continue loving his children no matter the mistakes...

..

..pakmat's id..

..I was abnoxious as a kid..I was told that by surviving elders who had the misfortune of taking care of me when I was young...I was also dark..shades of darkness that earned me the nick 'Mat Hitam'...and 'berkudis'...the whole family of skin diseases..and I still bore a crater-like scar on my left leg...it must have been painful then...

..but I do not have too many skeletons in my cupboard...I found it is better to keep an open door policy..and just let the sun shines in and the darkness out...life should be an opened book...not that my book is worth flipping through...keeping secrets about the self is not one of my strong points...as when I had a second wife, and tried to hide it from the first...or my third and tried to keep her hidden from my second...I failed...some stench are too much to shoo away with lavender spray...

..I am poor at controlling my facial expressions...I look angry when I am angry, sad when crestfallen and worried when I am worried...I do not know how to hide my pain...but I know how to share my joy...cats and grandchildren are my constant source of enjoyment...since grandchildren have a way of staying with their parents, I spared some devotion to cats...

..pakmats constant source of happiness..

...of course there are a few regrets..its like looking at the beginning of a rain bow...and seeing all those colours  that emanated from it...some hues may be a bit much..you have added in too much colour as you brushed...with some areas not brushed at all...but its ok....in your mind, acceptable...life is what it is because of the way you are...and, endlessly, you give Him your thanks...

..looking back..

..Auji, just before leaving for Kolej Matriculasi Johor..

..having gone beyond dreams, you do not plan  ahead of a  decade when you are already 67....but you have memories..and hindsight may make you rue those foolish and foolhardy deeds...but if I am asked whether I would still be a polygamist, and marry those women whom I had married, I cannot truthfully answer...but being made in the mould that I am, in all honesty I would answer, 'Yes,' to the the first and second...as to the third, maybe I should not have...but life is not about rewindable reels...

. ...to pakmat, it is always about numbers....and today, I watched my first daughter from my second marriage, Auji, walked confidently towards me in her mother's high-heels...she is my 8th daughter... it was her second day as a relief teacher and her first high-heels...she looked adult beyond her years, whilst clutching a pile of books...

...having only obtained a CGPA of 3.05, she is awaiting entrance into any university that would accepts her..she is still unsure of what she wants to be...but not teaching...the kids are too unruly...maybe a marine biologist...and I smiled...learned how to swim first...

...and stay away from others husbands...no matter how they swim..

..children and wakil rakyat..

..the bridge near pakmat's home..decorated with flags..

...conversations these days tend to gravitate towards politics...and, most times, pakmat will steer clear from them, not wanting be dragged into a whirlpool of agitations...although I have my opinions on them, I rather not  be entangled into such discussions..but once in a while, these village folks asked questions that set this coot's mind into gear..as one day, at Chuan, the goldsmith's shop, this Pak Haji, who interrupted my reverie with thestaronline, with, 'What would you looked for in a Wakil Raayat?'..

..I would, of course, rather talk about my children..as most coots do..and I realised then, that I have 3 children in the city of KL, a son and two daughters...there is nothing special about that...almost everyone these days have children in KL...but pakmat's three are all of different mothers, with the two girls my eldest and youngest and the son my number ninth child who is also my third son...they are on my family list on fb, through which I am kept abreast of their going-ons..

..but I try not to impose my political views on my children..or extol the virtues of polygamy..but I will tell them whom I am voting for..and why...

..as to what would I looked for in a people representative...I would rather he not be a polygamist..it is easy to lie when you are one..