..once you are dead..

..once you are dead, you no longer carry your father's name..henceforth you will be known as the child of your mother..pakmat bin aminah..or, as in the case of my neighbour, Mok Zah, 67, who died this morning of renal failure at 5.30 am..Azizah bt Fatimah..a name she will be known as in all doa's... the name that will be engraved on her tombstone, if at all it is engraved..and the name she will be called upon on Resurrection Day by her Maker..

..and at her burial this evening at 6.30 pm, I sat with the rest of the kampong folks..giving her final respect as a woman who had borne 9 children, with eight surviving her, all of whom did well in life..with the eldest a principal of a secondary school in Bachok and the youngest a teacher in Sabah..

..fare well, Mok Zah binti Fatimah..May you rest in peace..May God forgive your sins..and May He places you in one of His gardens in Eden..

..al-Fatihah..

..something for a lazy weekend..

..Lady Kama's reminiscing about her bonfire days reminded me of  Bobby Darin's Clementine..



..have a joyful, foot-tapping weekend, folks..

..having children..

..its easy to have children..given the right circumstances, it could even be acutely pleasurable..whether once weekly or twice weakly..it doesn't matter..these days, you don't even need a husband, or a wife..but bringing them up is another cup of tea altogether..for nothing is more time-consuming, energy-sappy and resources-draining than bringing up children...we spent our money on them..we kept tabs..but we seldom keep tag..

..so, how much does a parent spend on each child up to SPM level?..a period of 17 years..if we were to put an average of  RM10.00 per day per child, ( a conservative sum, even by Bachok standard), then RM10 x 30 x 12 x17 = RM61,000.00 per child..pakmat have more than a dozen..but if we averages 4 children per family, then it is RM244, 000..not counting other costs, of course...things like medical and transport..or recreational cost..

..and after all those hectic years, and money spent, there is still no guarantee that they will turned out the way we want them to be..the rate of satisfaction is negligible, at best..for children have their own mind about what they want to be..if they want to be anything  at all..and parents' stations in life have little bearing on how they will turn out in the later years..

..I remember a lowly police constable who was the driver to his Chief..drew a lowly pay of RM240.00 per month, then... stayed in a Class 'G' barracks which had only one bedroom, yet his sons completed their education at university level, while his Chief two sons were drug addicts..

.. there is even a study by a Harvard professor, no less, a certain Danial Gilbert, who concluded that marital satisfaction decreases dramatically after the birth of the first child..and increases only after the last child left home..but closer home, Bachok, especially, we were led to believe that marital satisfaction is at its peak after the birth of the first child..personally, I noticed that my wives are at their most attractive and sexiest after delivering  their first child...there is this glow, a certain sheen to the skin and hair that oozes sex appeal..and the second child followed soon after..

..but no matter how you look at it..it takes a special woman that can take up the role of a mother..a special woman, indeed, who prefers motherhood..to Rhonda's choice..

..click on cartoon to enlarge..

..Ayam and the 6 days optional fast in Syawal..

..ever since we had her, more than 3 years ago, she had proven to be a tabby with fixed habits, more or less..

..totally domesticated, she will not pee or poo in the house.. allowed total freedom, nights she would, most times sleeps with me, occupying a portion of the bed, where the missus had laid out a folded kain pelikat ..days were spent romping around the neighbours' houses..always playful, there is nothing facetious  about her being clean and neat..

..our ritual during Ramadan suited her..an early riser, she would wakes me up with her soft meow between 4.30 to 5.00 every morning whilst rubbing her face against my feet or hands..and I would stagger to the kitchen, fill her bowl with a clutch of feed and fill her drinking bowl with fresh water..by the time we finished sahur, and I prepared myself for the morning solat, she would be at the door, waiting to be let out...outside Ramadan, the ritual was the same...minus the sahur, I would linger a little in bed, ignoring her meows and rubbings..

..and so it was that when the missus suggested we start our six days optional fast of Syawal on Saturday,  I promptly agreed..Ayam, would love it..and she did, having sahur with us in the wee hours of the morning..Auji being indisposed, son not willing..it was just me, missus, a cat named Ayam...and the cool, morning breeze  from the sea...

..little joys, little tears..

..everyone has their little moments of joy and tears..



..joy is when you meet you 12yr old daughter on the fourth day of raya..she came with her mother, stepfather,  her 15yr old aunt and her two grandparents..it was cikmat, papa and tatak time..tears is that little tears that she cried when I embraced her goodbye..

..pakmat's raya..

..raya will always be about children..and fireworks..



..as was pakmat's raya..it was a riotous first day..nay, it started the night before..as we gave thanks to Him on the last breaking of fast, saying our goodbye to the month of Ramadan..there was a tinge of sadness at the mosque after the last solat of the night, followed by a recital of the Takbir Raya, amid the loud and incessant firing of crackers that continued late into the night.. it was like Bachok was at war..the loud reports and flashes of light send Ayam fleeing into the dark..

..memories of past Ramadans and Rayas came to the mind..as a kid of Upin's age with mother..trying on a pair of new shorts she had patched up together from leftover cloth..as a youth in KL, alone in his rented room, fighting the tears that flowed on hearing the Takbir Raya on the radio, not really knowing where to go, and kampung was too far..as a man with two wives, and trying to juggle Raya between the two of them..

..after a time, pakmat no longer makes 'balik kampung' trips..for he has become the kampung his children came back to...and as Ramadan receded, and Syawal makes its way, he gave his thanks to his Lord..for that little time and that little space, when he was together with his children...and his children's children..

..until the next Ramadah..God willing...

..I am standing again..

..and so, with the end of Ramadhan near...and IdilFitri just around the corner, I am standing again to be counted..

..I stood before my wife and ex-wives..as you have forgave me before, please find the grace in your hearts to forgive me again..I am not the best of husbands or ex-husbands..nor the man you all thought I was or would be...I do not have the qualities that you all seeked..I am just what I was borned to be..a man without pretensions, trying hard to carry the mantle of caliphship and faltered trying...

..and before my children, I stood again..please forgive this old man who is standing now in front of you as your father..for I am never the best of fathers...there were things that I should have done but didn't..and some things that I shouldn't but did..and there were times when my ego blinded me to your needs...please forgive your father his inadequacies..his faults and his wrongs..for nothing mitigates my love for you, no matter how thick..no matter how thin..

..and I stand before my friends, old and new..forgive me if I did not turned out to be the friend in need and in deed..or if my words speak louder than my actions..or if I did not turned up to your expectations..for I shall always be me..



..above all, I stood in front of my God, Allah..


..I am standing before you, Lord, in all humility, seeking Your Forgiveness..for all my failures and sins..for my misdeeds and transgressions..for my weakness, which are many..as against Your Mercy which is Boundless..Forgive me, Lord, this humble servant of yours.. who tried his utmost to bask in Your Light during this Ramadan..


..selamat hari raya aidilfitri..

..save the last dance for me..

..I am not a Michael Buble fan..at the risk of being lynched and skinned alive by legions of his female fans, Zen included, I have to say that I do not think much of singers who made a name for themselves by singing covers..no, for I grew up with the Drifters and Dean Martin..but for this song, I do not mind Michael Buble's version of it..heck, sometimes even old songs need to be restyled with a new beat..



...more so old men like me.

.. Sungei Kelantan..

..scenes along the bank of Sungei Kelantan..

..our legacy...for our children's children..