.. the surrender..

..friends and well-wishers..with their doa's and tokens..

..nothing really prepared  me for the haj...neither the friends, relatives and well-wishers who came and gave advice and tips...or the weekly Haji courses that I attended from early this year..or the book by Professor Kamil, ' A Haji Travelogue'   a gift from an fb friend, which I carried with me and read whilst on the almost 9 hour plane ride to Jeddah...I have never been there before..and all those places that they mentioned I could but imagined..or googled..

..our first view of the Kaabah..foreground,
back to camera is missus..

..I thought it going to be a cinch..after all, it is just some rituals..physically you have to walk more than usual..but you set the pace..and nothing is coercive..but spiritually, I have much to fear..I am sinner..I have committed great sins..even though I have repented, there was a niggling doubt that my repentance was not enough...I tried to supress this fear of the Lord's retribution...but every so often it surfaced...stories abound of such retributions, and in no small way, it feeds my fear...

..hajjah-to-be, gathering for our first march to MasjidilHaram..

..the fear drove me to wake up on the last quarter of the night, for almost every night, a month before my departure, my wife and me..and most times, Ayam sprawled somewhere near....we stood together, with 9 rakaats, facing Him...

..'Lord, Most Loving and Most Compassionate...we seek your Forgiveness...for we have sinned..committed evil deeds...we paid scant heed to your Messenger, Muhammad s.a.w...and we put aside your Words'...we bared our souls...emptied that we had hidden within our chests....those that we camouflaged within our minds...we beseech your forgiveness, Lord....

..looking back, I did not know when it happened..but sometimes before our departure, Ayam snuggled my ankles and I realised that the fear was gone..in its place was acceptance...and a peaceful surrender to God's Will...

La illa hailla anta subha nakainni kun tuminna zalimin..

..None has the right to be worshipped but you, O Glorious One, truly 

I have been of the WrongDoers...